Confession of a Broken Heart ~ 'Open Heart Surgery

Date Written: August 10, 2014

Location: Planet Fitness/Wilmington

As I set here on a stretching matt at theWilmington’s Planet Fitness after a workout, I find myself here stretching in the search for the my meaning of it all. I'm literally and figuratively at a gym trying to WORK OUT my thoughts! Over the past few weeks and maybe even months, I have been having a tough time connecting with my so called “love emotions”. I'm having a tough time because I have been so consumed with Taking Over the World, that it just takes control over THE BRAIN and puts me in another place! But it was in the middle of me editing some wedding pictures that my “Love Emotions” starting to kick in like the pain you feel after the numbness has worn off after you visit the dentist. I was in the middle of watching my favorite show 'Suits', and a song came on as it usually does when they are wrapping up the episode! It's that time in every great show that let's you reflect on everything that just happened in that episode. They played a song called 'Looking To Closely' by Fink, and just like that I starting reflecting on my life! My confession senses started to tingle, and just like Spiderman, I sensed that I was in trouble. I was in situation of choice andwhether I should continue to work and catch up, or should I stop what I was doing and write this confession? … So I decided to continue too finish up editing and ignore my confessional senses! But my emotional heart was talking to me the entire time, but I continued to let it pass. Now just like anything that is on your heart and mind, I couldn't escape this feeling. No matter how much I want to run away from what my heart wants, it always finds a way to findme. Because as long as I continue to chase any dream, I have to risk the chanceof nightmares every time I decide to have a dream! The truth is that I'm tired of being the bad guy by actually trying to be a good person and caring about awoman and her feelings. I honestly try not to hurt them, but somehow I always end up as the BAD GUY. I have heard many things over the past few years and I understand that sometimes it’s just coming from a woman in a frustrated place! Because of the fact that I hate any Grey area, I tried the black area (meaning it is what it is) and that's what it wasn't! I have tried the white area, and actually decided to try and combine Taking Over the World with a Pinky, and I have even tried just being friends with someone from a distance with no physical connection at all, ok maybe a kiss, but that’s it, I promise! LOL. But either way, it doesn't work, because no matter if it’s black, white, or grey, nothing was bright enough for the true color of happiness!  Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I did nothing wrong or that I couldn't have helped any situation, but I have come to realize that to help the situation, I must fix the situation, and that is removing myself completely! I have been thinking so much all week about what I need to do, and that's my answer. Now there is more then one way to solve any problem, but I have chose to sacrifice my own Love Happiness until...Until I write the book! (Confessions of a Broken Heart). I need to get so many thoughts and feelings that I have off of my chest! Because underneath of this chest of mine is a heart, and it wants to breathe again! So it's time to cut some of the veins that keep me alive and do a massive heart transplant! I questioned is my heart damaged, is it dying or even is it DEAD already?! So insearch of the answer, I decided to have life saving surgery and that means me being sedated for a while. I will be unconscious of any feelings, I’m going numb but believing and praying to the doctor (God) that I'm going to come out on the other side! And if I don't come out on the other side of love, I understand…I understand because that was a choice I decided to choose when I wanted to become someone greater to the WORLD! And sometimes in life we have to make life changing decisions and make major sacrifices for the better! So if I never wakeup from this heart surgery and find out that my heart made the wrong decision…I’ve decided that I’m ok with that! … So as I sign on this dotted line for heart surgery and as I go into this sedated form, I hope that my HEART WILL FIND ANOTHER WAY TO BEAT AGAIN! 

BlakeTheBrain!